Resources

Books worth reading.

A curated reading list, with our own notes on what each book does well — and where its framing has aged.

How to use this list

There is no single ENM curriculum, and most practitioners cobble together their reading from the small number of widely referenced books, supplemented by community blogs, podcasts, and conversation. We've flagged the books that we actually think hold up — including the ones with caveats — so you don't spend months figuring out which framework is still current.

If you're just opening a relationship, start with The Ethical Slut for the foundational ethics, then move to Polysecurefor the attachment-theory lens that's reshaped clinical practice over the last five years. If you're further along, Designer Relationships and Polywiseaddress the harder ongoing work — structural choices, the slow accumulation of patterns, the question of what you're actually building.

We try to name where a book's framing has been criticised by the community since publication — for example, the interpersonal-conduct critiques of More Than Two's lead author. Naming this isn't a recommendation to skip the book; it's the context a reader deserves so they can engage with the text honestly.