Cowboy / cowgirl

Also: cowperson

A pejorative term for a monogamous person who dates a polyamorous person while privately intending to lure them away from polyamory into a monogamous relationship.

1 min read · Reviewed 2026-05-20

Cowboy and cowgirl (and gender-neutral cowperson) are community terms for a specific dating-pattern failure mode: a monogamous person dates a polyamorous person while privately intending to convince them to leave their other relationships and become exclusive. The cowboy metaphor is of someone trying to rope and isolate one animal from a herd.

Cowboying is dishonest because the polyamorous person enters the relationship under one set of assumptions (they will remain polyamorous, this connection is one of several) while the cowboy is operating under a different set of assumptions (they are working toward exclusivity). Even if the cowboy doesn't see themselves as deceptive — they may sincerely believe the polyamorous partner will eventually 'see the light' and prefer monogamy — the structural asymmetry tends to surface as pressure, jealousy, attempts to undermine the polyamorous person's other relationships, and a slow erosion of the original premise.

Distinguishing a cowboy from someone who genuinely wants a mono-poly structure: a person genuinely seeking a mono-poly arrangement is honest about what they want, accepts that the polyamorous partner will remain polyamorous, and does not work to change the structure. A cowboy says the words of mono-poly but does the work of pulling the relationship toward exclusivity.

The corresponding term cowgirl is structurally the same dynamic, named for the gender of the actor; cowperson is sometimes used in mixed-gender writing. The pattern is not gendered in practice — it occurs across orientations and genders.

Where this term fits in the wider picture

Ethical non-monogamy is a network of overlapping practices, identities, and structures — and Cowboy / cowgirl connects to several of them. The neighbouring terms below show how this one sits alongside the rest of the vocabulary practitioners actually use; the guide at the end is the longer-form treatment of the same territory.

Closely-related vocabulary

Mono-poly relationship
A relationship in which one partner is polyamorous (or non-monogamous) and the other is monogamous — with explicit, ongoing consent from both.
Polyamory
The practice of, or willingness to engage in, multiple loving romantic relationships, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Questions practitioners actually ask about this

Continue reading

The longer treatment of this territory is in the guide What is ethical non-monogamy? A clear primer for adults thinking it through — An honest, plain-language introduction to ethical non-monogamy — what it is, what it isn't, the configurations it covers, and the questions it asks of you.

New to ethical non-monogamy? Start with the glossary for vocabulary, the structures index for the named relationship configurations practitioners actually use, and the guides for longer-form treatment of the common questions.