Polysecure

Both a book by Jessica Fern (2020) and a community shorthand for the practice of secure attachment in polyamorous relationships. Widely cited in ENM-affirming therapy.

1 min read · Reviewed 2026-05-20

Polysecure is the 2020 book by Jessica Fern that applied attachment theory to polyamorous relationships. The title has become community shorthand for the underlying concept: that the principles of secure attachment — co-regulation, repair after rupture, the felt sense that important others are reliably there — are not specific to monogamy and can be cultivated across multiple concurrent relationships, with deliberate practice.

The book identifies a set of practices that produce security in polyamorous structures: building a secure relationship with yourself first; being attuned to your own attachment patterns; reading your partners' attachment styles and adjusting accordingly; and several specific practices Fern calls HEARTS — Here (presence), Expressed delight, Attunement, Rituals & routines, Turning toward (versus turning away), and Secure-base behaviour.

Polysecure is widely cited in ENM-affirming therapy. It is often the first book recommended to couples considering opening their relationship, because the attachment-theory frame helps make sense of why opening can feel destabilising even when both partners want it: the existing attachment is being asked to coexist with new attachment formation, and the existing relationship needs deliberate maintenance through that period or it will feel like withdrawal.

Fern and David Cooley followed Polysecure with Polywise (2023), which focuses on the ongoing maintenance of secure polyamory after the foundations are built — the years-long work of sustaining a polyamorous structure through partner additions, departures, and life changes.

Where this term fits in the wider picture

Ethical non-monogamy is a network of overlapping practices, identities, and structures — and Polysecure connects to several of them. The neighbouring terms below show how this one sits alongside the rest of the vocabulary practitioners actually use; the guide at the end is the longer-form treatment of the same territory.

Closely-related vocabulary

Polywise
The ongoing practice of secure polyamory — the work of maintaining secure attachment across multiple relationships once the foundations are built.
NRE
The intense, heady, infatuated feelings of a brand-new romantic connection — a real phenomenon with predictable effects that polyamorous people learn to handle deliberately.
Polyamory
The practice of, or willingness to engage in, multiple loving romantic relationships, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Questions practitioners actually ask about this

Continue reading

The longer treatment of this territory is in the guide What is ethical non-monogamy? A clear primer for adults thinking it through — An honest, plain-language introduction to ethical non-monogamy — what it is, what it isn't, the configurations it covers, and the questions it asks of you.

New to ethical non-monogamy? Start with the glossary for vocabulary, the structures index for the named relationship configurations practitioners actually use, and the guides for longer-form treatment of the common questions.