Cushioning

Maintaining several flirtatious or low-grade romantic backup connections in case a primary relationship ends — common in monogamous dating, sometimes occurring as a misuse of polyamory's openness.

1 min read · Reviewed 2026-05-20

Cushioning is the practice of keeping several low-grade romantic prospects warm — through occasional texts, flirtation, light dating — as emotional insurance against the primary relationship ending. The metaphor is of cushions arranged to soften an anticipated fall.

In monogamous contexts cushioning is widely treated as a problematic behaviour, somewhere between emotional infidelity and just-in-case dating. In polyamorous contexts, it can occur as a misuse of the structural openness: the polyamorous structure ostensibly justifies the multiple connections, but the practitioner is not actually investing in the connections as real relationships — they are using the structure as cover for the cushioning pattern.

What distinguishes cushioning from healthy polyamorous practice. Healthy polyamory invests in each relationship as a real relationship in its own right; the connections may differ in depth and shape, but each one is genuinely the relationship it claims to be. Cushioning maintains a roster of partial connections specifically to avoid having any one of them be load-bearing — the connections are kept thin on purpose, so that they can absorb the impact of a future loss without requiring real present investment.

Cushioning is recognisable to the partners involved. The 'cushion' partners often describe a pattern of inconsistent attention, periodic small-flame interactions, and a strange lack of commitment-clarity from the cushioning partner — they are present enough to keep the connection from dying, not present enough for the connection to matter.

Where this term fits in the wider picture

Ethical non-monogamy is a network of overlapping practices, identities, and structures — and Cushioning connects to several of them. The neighbouring terms below show how this one sits alongside the rest of the vocabulary practitioners actually use; the guide at the end is the longer-form treatment of the same territory.

Closely-related vocabulary

Polyamory
The practice of, or willingness to engage in, multiple loving romantic relationships, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Polysaturated
Having as many partners as your time, energy, and emotional capacity can support — not open to forming additional connections at present.

Questions practitioners actually ask about this

Continue reading

The longer treatment of this territory is in the guide What is ethical non-monogamy? A clear primer for adults thinking it through — An honest, plain-language introduction to ethical non-monogamy — what it is, what it isn't, the configurations it covers, and the questions it asks of you.

New to ethical non-monogamy? Start with the glossary for vocabulary, the structures index for the named relationship configurations practitioners actually use, and the guides for longer-form treatment of the common questions.