Polyaffective

Polyaffective was coined by sociologist Elisabeth Sheff in her academic writing on polyamorous families. It names a relationship that does not have a good word in the conventional vocabulary: the genuine affection, friendship, and emotional bond that often develops between metamours, between adults across a polycule, and between non-romantic adults who share important relationships through someone they both care about.

Polyaffective relationships are real relationships. They are not romantic, not sexual, but not merely cordial — they involve genuine care, shared history, sometimes shared parenting, sometimes shared finances, often shared chosen-family identity. In well-functioning kitchen-table polycules, polyaffective relationships are often as important to a person's wellbeing as the romantic relationships are.

Sheff's term gives this kind of relationship language so it can be talked about. Without the word, polyaffective relationships often get described awkwardly — 'my husband's girlfriend, who is also my close friend' — without a category that names what they are. The term lets a polyamorous person say 'my metamour is one of my polyaffective family members' and have that mean something specific.

Polyaffective relationships are part of what longitudinal research on polyamorous families consistently finds children value about growing up in those structures: the wider network of trusted adults, the polyaffective uncles and aunts and family-of-choice members, the larger village around them. The romantic structure is what enables the polyaffective network, but the polyaffective network is often what kids and adults alike describe as the sustaining good.